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Knowledge drop day 6 for National Eating Disorder Awareness week! As someone who struggled with anorexia for years, and who is currently happily in recovery (shout out to my therapist), the discussion around eating disorders and our compassion for those fighting them is something that is near and dear to my heart. 

Are you guys as shook as I am about the fact that I’m still doing this? This is the most consistency I’ve demonstrated in 3 years lol. 

Juicy Topic #6: Ways To Spot an Eating Disorder

Constant Anxiety Around Meal Times: In my experience, eating became super stressful because it was so emotionally charged. I would be nervous before a snack or meal if those macros weren’t accounted for precisely. I needed to know my caloric intake to be able to eat. And then, I would second guess the meal after I had eaten it. “Was that too many carbs, will I be bloated, is this going to ruin my deficit.” Eventually, it was easier to skip the meal than to go thru the emotional upheaval of the after effects of eating, and so I started “intermittent fasting” – aka gave myself a fancy title for starving my body.

Skipping Meals & Avoiding Entire Food Groups: Whole30 can kick rocks. Keto is for epileptics (actually)… But, lactose is a b*tch for real! I’ll give you that one. When did turning 30 become synonymous with repelling a DQ Blizzard?! My luck that when I finally learn to eat with less guilt, dairy gives me the cold shoulder. Life ain’t fair.

Changes in Body Weight: It’s one thing to notice this, but PLEASE never comment on someone’s weight whether it’s going up or down. There’s just no good coming out of that conversation, and your points (whether you think their valid or not) statistically have no correlation with an improved relationship to food and body. So keep it to yourself 🙂 I read somewhere once that having an ED will cause me to interpret comments on weight in a way that either encourages ED behaviours, or drives me further into shame. And that rings true. No matter what someone says or how they meant it, I alway interpret comments in a way either encourage me to keep going until more bones show, or that I’m doing recovery wrong and I’m a terrible, horrible, failure. There is no in-between. It’s like a terrible SnapChat filter you can’t turn off (yet?)

– An Identity Intertwined with Eating, Exercise, Body Image: Dieting took up so much mental space that I lost room for opinions, hobbies, and being present. In my early days of recovery, where things were hella tough, I could barely pay attention in the facetime dates with the girls. Not because I didn’t love them, but listening to them became impossible over the constant roar of anorexia noise in my mind. Getting help let me be present in my relationships and I don’t know where I would be without those lovers. 

– Inability to Eat in Front of People: This one is always a warning sign for me. Of course, relapses happen man. Life gets tough, and tough times cause you to cope the way you know how. I went to Mexico recently for Serena Palmer’s banging wedding, and the anorexic voice in me was LOUUDDDD during those first few days. I really struggled eating in front of people, and that’s ok! I acknowledged that those behaviours were hard to ignore and took care of myself the best I could. Luckily, Adam Bartlett is a pro and had some spaghetti delivered to my room 🙂

– Excessive Body Checking & Insecurities: When anxiety is up, safety behaviours can pop up. body checking for me is one of those. It’s a compulsion to make sure things haven’t “gone too far.” I know now that when I feel drawn into those things, I need to focus on myself a bit. My fav way to snap out of those is to go to a yoga class. It’s magic. 

– Skipping Social Events: Combine my ED with my natural introversion + this pandemmie lifestyle and I have become as elusive as a snow leopard. Listen, recovery’s a journey and I fully acknowledge I’m not all the way through it. But, even when I am, I’m probably gunna Irish Exit your bridal shower dude… #NotSorryXO

– Being Overly Defensive About Eating & Exercise Behaviours: If you are someone in my life that approached me about my ED habits and I blew you off (le sorry), or someone that feels some type a way now about it. Please, don’t. Kathy White is all over my ass all the time, and asked me about my food intake daily for 15 years, I could not be convinced I had a problem. If my persistent AF mom couldn’t convince me, your ass couldn’t.  And, I no longer feel badly about that. I didn’t have the coping skills to deal with my anxiety, and my anorexia was a lifeline for me. It was the only way I could numb myself and until I learned how to manage my emotions, I needed anorexia. It’s not uncommon. I learned to see what my anorexia was providing from me as well as taking from me in therapy, and then it became so much easier to throw myself into learning other coping skills that work for me so that I don’t resort to ED behaviours. 

Knowledge drop day 4 for National Eating Disorder Awareness week! As someone who struggled with anorexia for years, and who is currently happily in recovery (shout out to my therapist), the discussion around eating disorders and our compassion for those fighting them is something that is near and dear to my heart. 

Content Warning: Suicide

Big sis talk coming in hot: Many of the beliefs you may hold about yourself, your body, and “health” is utter bullshit that diet culture has instilled in you. And, that isn’t your fault!  Diet culture is the water we little fishies are swimming in. However, I’m here to say that these bullshit beliefs are dangerous, predatory, and can lead to your untimely death after years of suffering. In the depths of the woods of Anorexia, I knew I was suffering but I didn’t and couldn’t imagine living any other way. There was no way out other than to unlearn the years and years of bullshit I had absorbed. I’m going to share a belief, the countering fact, and then a personal touch because people don’t remember facts. They remember relating, and that is where change can happen. So please, have a read thru my personal baggage and if you can relate, then perhaps those facts will stick with you. 

Belief: “I don’t have a problem – I’m just naturally a fat person and I need to watch what I eat. I’m being healthy” 

Fact: 2/3 people don’t believe the have a real condition (Griffiths et al (2015); International Journal of Eating Disorders; 48 (6), 764). 

This belief led me to do upwards of 24 different diet attempts. I kept track because I’m neurotic AF. In the end, I was convincing myself I didn’t have a problem even though I was living on 1150 cals a day, and doing “intermittent fasting” so I only ate above 500 cals on Tues/Thurs and weekends. And I was able to find dogshit media articles about how all of these habits were health promoting from the diet culture vultures I followed (health and fitness magazines, @strongerU, @eattoperform and other dementors that were promoted out of Azkaban). But, if you take a step back and think about it, I was starving myself and my body was shutting down. I’m talking terribly painful digestion, fainting, dizziness when standing, a scary low heart rate and blood pressure, hair that won’t grow, nails that chip, cold constantly to the point where I would go to the bathroom during the day just to dunk my hands in the hot water, and I was TERRIFIED of food. THIS IS NOT HEALTH PROMOTING. 

Belief: “I’m not thin enough to have Anorexia” – FUCK THIS 

Fact: Less than 5% of people with eating Disorders are medically underweight (https://anad.org/get-informed/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/)

This. This lesson right here was and is still painful for me. I started struggling with anorexia in my teens, and my mother thankfully noticed and helped me. But then, I ran away to a nightmare of a college where I didn’t get the support I needed (when Cass is Prime Minister we will be closing/torching the Royal Military College immediately and paying students for their pain and suffering). I have lost out on countless moments and joy in my life because I didn’t think I was sick as I was never emaciated. This bullshit myth is preventing an extraordinary amount of people from getting help and living the life the deserve. When you think of Anorexia we think of a “rich, white, thin, able bodied, sad, young, woman” and this is SO WRONG. 95% of the people who are suffering from eating disorders do not present as emaciated and yet their insides are ravaged! Save yourself the pain and don’t wait or aspire to be “thin enough” 

Belief: I don’t want to be dramatic and get help. I can do this on my own. 

Fact: 95% of people with an eating disorder believe they should be able to “pull themselves together” (Griffiths et al (2015); International Journal of Eating Disorders; 48 (6), 764). 

This is where my privilege really played a part, because I had the access to professionals, ability, time, money to put towards getting better. And even then, it was and is a difficult path to be on. Nobody deserves the pain and isolation that restriction can create, and you do not need to walk that path alone. In fact, having the assistance of professionals will expedite and ease the recovery process. If you are not in a position to find professional assistance, hit me up in a DM or private message and I will shower you in resources I have saved for myself. Free ones. 

Belief: This is my bed, and I should be lying in it. I did this to myself and I should find my own damn way out of this 

Facts: 9/10 people with an eating disorder feel personally responsible for their condition. (Griffiths et al (2015); International Journal of Eating Disorders; 48 (6), 767). 

Genetics account for more than 60% of the variance in eating disorder onset (Griffiths et al (2015); International Journal of Eating Disorders; 48 (6), 767). 

After my diagnosis, and the commencement of my professionally assisted weight restoration plan, I felt guilty. Like I was taking up time from professionals that could be helping “sicker” (aka thinner) than me. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I spent a few months delaying my recovery because I felt like I needed to punish myself. I was the one that dieted. I was the one that got the macro “coaches” aka vultures. I was the one that did intermittent fasting. Nobody had a gun to my head forcing me to do these things. I WAS FULL OF SHIT. The diet and fitness cultures I subscribed to taught me that thinness = health and restriction = moral superiority. Those garbage messages seeped in and made my little perfectionist heart want to be good, moral, and frankly attractive. So, when I was sitting in that Cardiologists office hearing that my heart was affected and I needed to seek help for my restriction, it felt like I deserved it. Now, my heart breaks for past me and I hope that these cripplingly vulnerable posts stop another person from feeling like they deserved it. 

Belief: “I’m fine. This is fine. I’d rather be numb than fat”

Fact: IT AIN’T FINE. 25% of people with an ED attempt suicide (Arcelus et al. “Mortality rates in patients with Anorexia Nervosa and other eating disorders. A meta-analysis of 36 studies” 68,7 (2011): 724-31)

As someone who is pretty open about having bouts of depression (which can result from fucked up eating by the way because Serotonin is created in your belly – little free fact for you), I have a fear of suicide. I’ve been pretty dark n twisty at times in my life, but the fear of killing myself has always been there. I don’t want to die! In fact, I’m terrified of it. So, when I realized the fatality rates with eating disorders I just about shat my pantaloons. Let this fact motivate you to find the help you deserve. The world is better with you and your thick thighs in it. 

Mad love homies

This year I plan to address some hot topics each day from the 1-7 Feb 22 for National Eating Disorder Awareness week. As someone who struggled with anorexia for years, and who is currently happily in recovery (shout out to my therapist), the discussion around eating disorders and our compassion for those fighting them is something that is near and dear to my heart. 

Juicy Topic # 2: Are Anxiety Disorders related to Eating Disorders? (Shout out to @break.binge.eating on Instagram for the dope content they create. References for these fast facts are included in their account.) 

Answer: Absofuckinglutely. 

Anxiety is a major risk factor: the direction of the relationship is biased one way – anxiety disorders often precede eating disorders, and they’re a major trigger for the onset of an eating disorder. 

Anxiety disorders are one of the most common co-morbidities with eating disorders (its a “BOGO” type of treat). Studies show that as many as 60% of people with an eating disorder suffer with an anxiety disorder as well. Types of anxiety disorders vary, but the most common co-morbidities are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). 

Can confirm ** raises hand awkwardly in the back of the room. 

Safety behaviours are key to both anxiety and eating disorders: safety behaviours are behaviours that are used to reduce anxiety in the moment. Anxiety disorders and eating disorders both engage in safety behaviours, which can help explain their co-occurrence. A personal example of this for me, is prior to treatment I would engage in safety behaviours constantly to reassure myself I “wasn’t getting too fat” because if I gained weight my panic went thru the roof. I would body check in every mirror, window, puddle, didn’t matter. I needed to confirm my thighs and hips were the same as earlier. In the depths of my predation by @strongerU and @eattoperform, I was asked to weigh myself up to twice a day, record those weights, and submit them with pictures of my body for them to critique weekly. Tell me that’s not all kinds of fucked up right?! If you are a grown ass person and some stranger on the internet is dictating your relationship with food, your body, gravity – kick them to the curb. Life is too short for 75g of carbs a day.  

Anyhow, if you identify with using your relationship with food to find a sense of control over your body and inherently over how people perceive you (always a real kicker) – please seek help. Finding your way out of the deep dark woods of anorexia or anxiety is so so much easier when you have a professional guiding you. 

Sincerely, 

the girl who lived in those woods.